2021-11-29 Praying for a Christmas miracle


Ultimately I hope this is a story of how I learned to love and accept myself and suffer well. This week I had a meltdown, my version of a midlife crisis at 38 years of age. It made me realise we never know how much time we have left with the time we are given.

I pray for the grace of source that this helps someone heal, and I hope this, too, will inspire you to embrace the gift and magic of life and embrace your hero’s journey.

Thank You

I want to thank the love of my family who helped me through this and especially my older brother Mark, a stillborn who left this world too early. You’ve been my guiding light through this process. I believe you helped save me, and I hope I can return the favor one day. You had my back! I love you big brother. XoXo

Secondly, I’d like to thank Claire Cullen, who helped shape an important part of my life in a very profound and positive way. You made me a better person, and I owe you so much more than I initially realised. Perhaps we will be dealt different cards in another lifetime. I wish I knew how to repay you.

Lastly, I’d like to thank my therapist Dr Nardus Saayman, who gave me the confidence to fly in the storm and chaos of life. You helped me find the shape of my desire, and I’m grateful for your lessons!

A Streetcar Named Desire

Ultimately my desire turned out to be bull-like; charge headfirst and give it everything I have. Learn along the way and make the best that fate and the stars have to offer. It is the way of the bull. This bull also needed to lean to slow down and savor the journey. Hopefully this bulls desire will live in the stars one day.

In realising the “technical” mechanics of desire, I initially was frightened and bolted. Yet slowing down and writing this out, has really given me an appreciation for the nuances and texture that life has to offer. In doing ballet most of my adult life, I learnt to appreciate the nuance of the head, eyes and body movement.

Ultimately we chase the meaning of life and to our surprise there is no point. The uncomfortable truths of life is that we are all dying. I feel this is the main reason people commit suicide, they get to the end and find no meaning.

When desire is involved there has to be winners and losers, and if not we use a scapegoat. This push and pull makes growth in the tree of life possible.

Ultimately if we keep our cards close to our chest no body wants to play the game with us. Sometimes we need to be vulnerable, and know that the betrayal is eventual. It’s

There is another option, the scapegoat or the sacrificial lamb. Funny enough that’s why

Human beings are meaning making machines, and in many cultures the same story is retold over and over again. Yet on with time does one starts to appreciate the nuances in this dance of life. Today we are in the unique position to tell old stories in new hands, and new stories with old hands.

Man is a social being that is dependent on relations to others. No human being, in other words, is intrinsically complete. - Wolfgang Palaver

and sometime the truth is too

In telling the stories of those who have come before us to inspire the youth to take courage and be brave in our own hero’s journey. Live life to the fullest; in life, there will be subplots, detours, revelations, savor the time you are given.

I spent too long trying to make sense of my past and failed to live the present and plan for the future – ultimately leading me to this crisis in my life. Ultimately the people around me had the most valuable insights to my life.

Ultimately you need a balance of physical, emotional, mental and spiritual perspectives. My own therapy journey was three-legged and lacked the spiritual backing to provide the foundation for a sense of wholeness.

To get super technical after finishing my lap in therapy, i realised that the final pass o

It is essential to tell the stories that have come before us, for they are the shape of the desire of the universe. And we need to remember and retell their stories, learn from them to ultimately undertake our journey.

I spent three years in therapy to fix the past, and ultimately it resulted in me not spending enough living my life and cultivating my faith. Ultimately I felt my soul was trying to leave my body too early, which resulted in this midlife crisis.

I have been profoundly inspired by this period, and I love the life I’m blessed with. And I also realised I have so much more to give, live and love life.

I was inspired to live a mythical life in order to save my own life from the jaws of fate.

Man is a social being that is dependent on relations to others. No human being, in other words, is intrinsically complete. - Wolfgang Palaver